3.22.2005

Paul Rodgers: QUEEN of Douchebags

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I'm doing a rare thing tonight... I'm posting some songs out of anger. Angry posting is kind of like drunk dialing. It's a moment where maybe it would have been wiser to sit down and calmy think things through, but your body just says "FUCK THAT - I'M CALLING THIS DICK, NOW!" (Yes, your body is a hotheaded redneck, just waiting to blow his top.)

Well tonight I'm posting these songs because I'm calling a few dickheads out. I recently wrote a column for a magazine called PLAYLIST, and writing that column stirred up some old feelings I've had about a couple of classic rock bands: Queen and Bad Company (and more specifically, vocalist Paul Rodgers).

Growing up as an adolescent from the late 1970s, I loved Queen. When you're six years old, you're not looking for "angular" postpunk like Television or edgy glam rock like Brian Eno. You're looking for fun, and nothing was more fun to me on the radio dial than QUEEN. My older brother had a 7" with the theme from "Flash Gordon" on one side and "Another One Bites the Dust" on the other. Back then, that was a desert island disc for me.

On the other hand, I can't think of a single moment in my life where I haven't totally loathed the music of Paul Rodgers and Bad Company. What sucks more than the insipid "Feel Like Makin' Love"? Oh yeah, almost every other song they recorded. Have you ever tried to sit through the coda of "Shooting Star"? It's unbearable... utter shit. I mean, just look at their debut album cover here. To paraphrase TRUE ROMANCE, "Oh, that's imaginative! I have more taste in my penis."

But now, because of the moneygrubbing assclowns in Queen (minus bassist John Deacon and - of course - deceased singer Freddie Mercury), Queen is now fronted by THIS guy:

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And not only that, but they're going to be playing his songs too! You know, it's bad enough what Queen did to its own legacy as it petered out (in America, at least... they remained pretty huge in the rest of the world) through the late 1980s, releasing drab records for middle aged people who didn't mind getting 2 good songs per record. Now they have to taint their legacy with second rate bullshit like Rodgers' "All Right Now" (which he recorded with his first band of lunkheads, Free).

Even on its worst day, Queen could always lay claim to Freddie Mercury, without a doubt the most theatrical frontman ever to grace the rock stage and easily at the front line for the race for best rock vocalist, period.

Look, I'm asking you to forget all about all that goofy 80s shit like "I Want to Break Free" and "Radio Ga-Ga." You've got to go back to the beginning, to Queen's first album. You'll still find all the camp and pomp that you'd expect from these garish bastards, especially on a song like "Liar". You want more cowbell? There it is, right at the beginning of the song, right before the cock rock guitar breakdown. It sounds so gay and so badass at the same time.

"Doing All Right" is from the same album, and it's one of those songs whose abscence from the classic rock radio format baffles me. It starts out like a Carole King song, then we get some country-ish guitar. Mercury sings this little flitty falsetto part and the song goes jazzy for a few beats before the big Thin Lizzy solo. This is way, way better than any Bad Company song, but if you've never owned this album, there's almost no way you could have heard it.

Queen followed that self-titled debut with an even weirder record in QUEEN II (okay, so the TRUE ROMANCE comment applies to this title... whatever. Mercury makes up for this by singing in a frigging cape the rest of his career). A concept record about god-knows-what, this thing was custom made for LSD-induced listening. Sadly, I've never enjoyed it that way, so I can never truly appreciate the effect all the multi-tracking in "Father to Son" could have on my brain.

As the years went on, Queen's albums became more eclectic. One one record, you might find a rockabilly number, a Led Zeppelin-esque dinosaur rocker and a vaudeville tune all mashed up against each other. It certainly wasn't for everyone, and as I grew older, I gradually stopped listening to the band. They'd pop up occasionally, with a one-off slice of genius like their pairing with David Bowie on THE HOT ZONE's"Under Pressure", reminding me in my cynicism that rock n' roll should never be ashamed of bombast.

Sure, they're a guilty pleasure. But I don't feel half as guilty as Brian May and Paul Rodgers should feel every night they tour around cashing in on the Queen name while a heterosexual moron tries in vain to wear the crown of Freddie Mercury. Silly Paul. There can be only one.

(While I come down a little hard on Brian May in my column, I felt like I should at least post one of my favorite Queen songs that he sang rather than Freddie. I give you the folky, 70s-A.M.-radio stylee of "Long Away", from another decent Queen album, A DAY AT THE RACES.)

FOR MORE ON QUEEN:
Queen Zone:Features .mp3s of fans covering Queen songs. I would imagine that is some hilarious shit.
Queen Online:The band's official home page
Queen World: The official international Queen fan club
Freddie Mercury, aka Farrokh Bulsara
Kween, the Japanese tribute band. Accept no substitutes.
Kween interview


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23 comments:

ogmb said...

Dylan and Missy, sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Dylan Gaughan said...

It's okay, Oliver.

You'll always be my "girlfriend with spare parts."

egret said...

Word. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

www.queeble.com

prophet said...

www.queeble.com

prophet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

well that was all just a load of bullshit

betterlovemaking said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

So true about Paul Rogers and "Queen"...

Carla said...

I just stumbled across your blog and I must say B R A V O ! I am far too old to be caring about this issue but dammit, I can't help it. QUEEN was my world growing up (fell in love with them at the ripe old age of 8) and at now that I'm knocking on 40's door, they are still my favorite band of all time. I was stunned to realize that Roger and Brian had the nerve to tour as QUEEN without John....without Freddie. WTF? That's like the Ringo and Paul touring as the BEATLES without George and John. I just want to know why? The QUEEN machine made and continues to make a ton of money....why oh why would they do such a thing? Roger and Brian have since gained the honor of being at the top of my #$%@ list for all eternity. The whole thing makes me ill.

chipp51 said...

Anybody without respect for pAUL rOGERS, fREE OR bAD cOMPANY IS A PRETTY sad specimen> Sorry u missed out on one of the greatest rock singers of all time.

Dylan Gaughan said...

Missed out?

Why, is he dead now?

Hopefully I'll get to see him before he stops dying his goatee. What a fucking back of douches Paul Rogers is. . .

chipp51 said...

boy u gys are bitter. I suppose u didnt like Sam Cooke or James Brown's hairdo. Paul rogers is the greatest white rock blues singer of all time . Period. Ive seen him over a dozen times, with Jimmy Page and with Neil Schon. He isnt the most imitated singer in Rock for no reason

Dylan Gaughan said...

There's only one guy here.

And, might I add, HOLY SHIT on you trying to compare Paul Rogers to James Brown or Sam Cooke, even if you're just talking about hairdos (huh?).

In my eyes "white rock blues" isn't even a genre I give a shit about. You can't even put "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" in the same league as anything Sam Cooke or James Brown ever sang (and for the record, neither of those guys sang Blues).

I'd probably go with Robert Plant being a more imitated singer in rock. Or Elvis.

Also, this post is like two years old. It's just you and me here at this point, and you aren't changing my mind any time soon.

Anonymous said...

paul rodgers is the best vocalist out there!! cant take nothin from him as an entertainer either...theres not a more cooler , relaxed, soulfull singer than him!! and though freddie was a awsome singer , paul over fills them shoes ! your obviously tone def!

Dylan Gaughan said...

From the amount of words you've misspelled here "anonymous," you're obviously a moron. Paul Rodgers "over fills them shoes"? Are you fucking kidding me?

If all the responses to this post have taught me anything, it's that the only thing that sucks more than Paul Rodgers is a Paul Rodgers fan.

Jessica said...

let me just get this out of the way..
GOD BLESS YOU! lol =) until i stumbled upon your blog, i felt as if there was absolutely not one person who felt the same way towards that cocky, douchebag rodgers as i do! i've been a fan of queen since i was around 5. (i'm 23 now.)

i think it's distasteful and truly disgustingly pathetic how brian and roger can continue UNDER the name queen without 2 extremely important members.

how the hell can they even attempt to fill in freddie mercury's shoes? the man is a fucking legend! i was actually getting really upset knowing my favorite band have turned into the most disresptful assholes on the face of this planet.

anyway, thank you for your amazing blog. i truly needed to read this after hearing all these "queen fans" praising QPR, as people call them now. oooh clever name, guys, by the way.

Devlin said...

Has anyone watch the live videos of "Cat litter Box Plus Douche" (Queen plus paul rodgers" God i dont wanna even type it out. Anyways its crap crap crap crap crap. Its like watching the worst top 40's band you can think of. I could go on. Brian May and Paul Douche go and do something else and please leave queens music and name out of it.

You why dont the two of them do bad company songs. stick with what they know they can pull off.

Anonymous said...

Interesting Dialog. I'm Not Objective By A Long Shot - A Paul Rodgers Fan Since 1972. Of All The Rock Singers To Despise (i.e. Bryan Ferry, David Bowie, Ronnie James Dio(sorry Ron, but The Devil imagery is too much), Mick Jagger etc. Why On God's Green Earth Do You Have To 'Bitterly' Attack The Man Who Levi Stubb's Himself Labeled "The Soul Of Rock". Like I Said, I'm Not Objective, And I Do Respect Your Right To Enjoy Or Critique Whosoever You Choose, But You Chose My Main Man, And I Had To Defend. Ball's In Your Court.
A FREE FANATIC

Anonymous said...

Well now we know who the biggest Dickhead is now and that is you. You have know taste for writing and it is for damn sure that you have no musical talent. So why waste our time with your whining bullshit. If you don't like it don't listen to it. Just shut the hell up and move on, Penis boy!

Anonymous said...

If you knew the whole story behind Paul Rogers teaming up with Queen, you will find that Brian May approached Paul about first and that Paul had much respect for Freddy and likewise Freddy for Paul. If you listen to Paul in Concert with Queen you would also notice that he does not try to emulate Freddy by the way of a tribute to Freddy/Queen. So let me ask you this, I am gathering that you play bass according to your blog so when you are in your little band and playing cover tunes do you really want the audience that you have, have the same thoughts about you and your band. Keyword "Tribute". Look the word up you might learn something new and broaden your horizon.

Dylan Gaughan said...

I love it! All you Paul Rodgers fans are such whiny little bitches. Pretty funny considering the guy has mad music full of such posturing machismo bullshit. "If you don't like it don't listen to it." No shit. I don't like it AND I don't listen to it, moron. None of these factors have anything to do with the reality that Paul Rodgers stuffs his pants with paper towels and dyes his goatee like a goddamned preening douchebag.

As for wasting your time, what the fuck are you doing reading this site? It would seem like YOU are the one wasting your own time. Don't blame me for the fact that you wander around the Internet defending that asshole.

Penis boy! From your grammer and diction, I can only assume you're from a foreign country?

Stan Smith said...

Couldn't have said it better myself dude. Paul Rodgers is a buffoon and had no place fronting that band. Too bad greed got in the way of such great people and it's amazing how many stupid assholes approve of it. Such a sad story.